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Five Stages of Mourning
The stages of mourning are universal and are experienced by
people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an
individual's own terminal illness or to the death of a valued
being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief.
In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working
through each step and express each stage more or less intensely.
The five stages do not necessarily occur in order. We often move
between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of
death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required
to achieve this final stage of grief. The death of your pet
might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality.
Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges. As long
as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there
is life.
1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of
terminal illness or death of a cherished pet is to deny the
reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize
overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers
the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the
facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the
first wave of pain.
2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin
to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The
intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core,
redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be
aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or
family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased pet.
Rationally, we know the animal is not to be blamed. Emotionally,
however, we may resent it for causing us pain or for leaving us.
We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
The veterinarian who diagnosed the illness and was unable to
cure the disease, or who performed euthanasia of the pet, might
become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death
and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the
suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your veterinarian to give you extra time
or to explain just once more the details of your pet's illness.
Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at
the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions
regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Discuss the cost of
treatment. Discuss burial arrangements. Understand the options
available to you. Take your time. Both you and your veterinarian
will find that honest and open communication now are an
invaluable long-term investment.
3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness
and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. If only we
had sought medical attention sooner. If we got a second opinion
from another doctor. If we changed our pet's diet, maybe it will
get well. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher
power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker
line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with
mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications
relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate. We worry
about the cost of treatment and burial. We worry that, in our
grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us.
This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance.
We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words.
The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense,
perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate
and to bid our pet farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a
hug.
5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not
afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we
may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily
a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves
the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by
withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must
be distinguished from depression.
Pets that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a
final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion
that they are aware of their own mortality, only that physical
decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their
behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which
social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by
our dying pets may well be their last gift to us. Copyright ©1996, 1997
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